After hearing James Victore talk about the importance of putting yourself into your work, I realised that that is something I struggle to do. I worry too much about the final project to an extent that makes the process unenjoyable and inevitably leads to a lot of abandoned projects. I have a horrible habit of erasing entire pieces over one mistake and running away from projects I start, especially projects I start out of a place of intended learning.

So, I decided to create a space to explore creative vulnerability within myself by looking at some of my past abandoned projects and 'exposing' them whilst looking at artists who have helped me embrace the imperfection of art and stepping away from the conventional.

The first abandoned project of my own I decided to include is an image I created in Figma when I was trying to dabble in 2D design using mostly basic shapes and forced perspective (along with some stickers). I ended up absolutely hating the finished project- the colour scheme felt confused and random, the layout felt cramped and uncomfortable and the whole thing felt childish and immature to me. I agonised over I could fix it until I finally decided that the best thing for me to do was just accept it was unfixable and abandon it.

Ultimately, this was not an important project. It wasn't for an assignment, it wasn't part of any freelance work, but it got under my skin enough that I didn't try to create anything similar for a considerable amount of time afterwards and I still haven't attempted to correct the things about it I disliked. I considered re-doing the image for this post, then realised that in doing so I would be going against the entire point of the post- the point being to embrace mistakes- by trying to fix it to save face.

Another problem I have, especially with hand-drawn art, is accepting that I am not a fantastically skilled artist. I am not capable of producing eerily realistic portraits, I am not an extraordinary painter. This has been something hard for me to accept at times as someone who loves art and painting recreationally and genuinely sees themselves as a creative person. I would look at art by the likes of Harold Williamson, an exceptionally talented realist artist, and would wish I could recreate works like his 1939 painting Spray (shown below).

When I accepted I would not be a fantastic painter, I decided I would just not try to paint. I accepted that I was only capable of creating digitally in a more 'clinical' way, i.e for the use on websites, blogs etc. I stopped seeing myself as an artistically creative person and as more of a person who enjoys art, but can't get involved.

When I began to explore abstract art, I realised I found a lot more in it than I originally thought I could. I used to see abstract art as pretentious and something enjoyed by people who didn't actually enjoy art or know anything about it, but instead as a style preferred by people lacking genuine artistic talent forced to put something, anything, on a canvas. I discovered that these opinions were partly based in ignorance of the style, but mostly based in a subconscious jealousy that some artists could put something seemingly random on a canvas and have others appreciate it. I tried to figure out why this bothered me and came to the conclusion that I couldn't do it simply because I couldn't allow myself to put myself on display in the way abstract artists do. I couldn't present myself as a series of erratic, harsh brush strokes in clashing colours with no discernible shape on a canvas because I couldn't be seen as an erratic, confused creative- which is exactly what I am.

I looked at Howard Hodgkin's work and found myself relating to it in a way unfamiliar to myself.

I looked at paintings from his 'Indian Waves' collection and realised how much I could interpret from paintings I would have previously seen as depthless and began to explore abstract art as a genuine interest.